Got my ball inflated last night then last on the sofa with my feet up on it - lol, not sure thats going to help my balance or core stability any!!! But I did take the dogs a very long walk this morning, in fact Corrie has been sleep (& snoring) since!! But I'm going to do that wolk every morning now.

I phoned the hospital today & spoke to the lady about my job, she said everything was Ok, but that the 'horrid' Dr I saw last time was on holiday until Monday & they were waiting for her to come back, then I could get started...yeah right, I'll not get my hopes up of it being anytime soon!!!

I'm still here!! I just don't really have much to say on anything right now. Will update as soon as I can think of things I want to say.

I feel bad & it's not my fault!!!
I give up on my 'friendship' with Wendy, I can't make it work & I'm tired of trying so damned hard to make her like me - last night was the final hurtful straw. But of course now I feel so guilty & ashamed of myself because no doubt it's something I've said that's caused this. I phoned her tonight, because I wanted to speak to her about the creche next week (& I was hoping she might mention last night) but she never & she never sounded like she was wanting..........hold the press!!! She just phoned me & said 'Ok, there is obviously a problem here, you sent me a really disturbing text on Friday night (which I did by mistake, I was replying to my friend Windy & said I can wrap F (meaning Fiona, my sister) around my little finger to get her to run me through to Windy's & that if she wanted to come back & stay over he (meaning Guinness, my dog) would sleep with me in my room so she didn't have to worry about it) but obviously it was all bit confusing for Wendy, but she says she doesn't know if she can be friends with someone who is so manipulative & that she feels I have been using her all along, when I said what do you mean by that she said 'You go on about how hard done by you've been & how you've been hurt, but is it any wonder if you carry on like that?' When I explained it all about what the text meant, she said 'Ok, well that's not how it read (yeah because I sent it to the wrong person & the person I was meant to be replying to had been in the conversation from the start & knew what I meant!!!)
Ok, so the whole thing is a big messy misunderstanding, but I thought she knew me better than that to just assume that I'm going to get drunk & shag some random guy - I'm not like that & I am hurt that yeah after everything I've told her about being hurt in the past, she still thinks I am like that, nothing freaks me out more than the mere thought of sleeping with a guy.
But hey, thats 1 friend less, 1 - 1 = 0, back to having no real friends, apart from the 2 I know online, whom I've never met, even though I love so much, its not the same as having someone physically there. Fuck it, why I thought I could manage not to cut I don't know. I don't care anymore. I love(d) Wendy & she has hurt me so much - I hate her!!!!

<<<<---- The face of ugliness!! I am so fat & ugly, I hate me!!! Got a stupid text msg from Wendy that said "Um you were feigning to not know me or something, but whatever I don't care. Just returning your call." But I wasn't 'pretending' not to know her (what the purpose of that would be, I don't know!!!) but it was a bad line so I said hello a few times, so that means I'm 'pretending' not to know her - f*ck her, I've had enough, I feel like the most hideously ugly person ever, I want to SI & Wendy starts acting up. I just want to cut & make myself feel better & less 'wound up' but then I don't want to do either, because I will have failed AGAIN to stop.

Ok, 4wks without SI'ing, pretty good huh?

So why do I just feel so bad?? I feel more 'exposed' & 'vulnerable' without my SI, is that right? I want to cut, to know I still can. I am trying to be so damn positive all the time, its tiring!! I just don't want to be me - simple!!!!
I haven't heard anything back from the hospital about the Auxiliary post I applied for, which is annoying, I wish they would just tell me one way or another, I assume I've not got the job, I don't know why I thought I would stand a chance anyway. I go for a 'voice test' on Wednesday to see if my voice if suitable to record the local newspaper for visually impaired people, I'm excited about that, I know I have a good talking voice, lots of people have told me.

It's Wendy's birthday today, I sent her a card, which I hope she liked. It's also my cousin Louise's birthday too, although we don't really talk now, which does upset me b/c we were like sisters when we were little - she is 6wks older than me.

And last but not least, it's Endraia's 18th - HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

I've just realised that I'm the problem in my relationships/friendships!! I'm the one who makes things difficult for people, it's my fault I don't have any friends. Admittedly though there were serious issues with Sara, so I'm not assuming 100% blame for that - she was/still is a bitch!! But Wendy is lovely, she really is & I muck about because I'm scared of being friends with her. When just before Christmas I wanted nothing more than to have her as a friend! I am scared of her seeing the 'me' that is bad, makes mistakes etc - which I know is so unreasonably, because I am bound to make mistakes at some point, so if I'm not willing to accept that I may as well give up all hope of having ANY friends. I'm scared that I get to close to Wendy & see a side of her I don't like. I get myself so confused with all this. I am skating on very thin ice already with Wendy, she has already told me she feels like just giving up on me, which is some ways might be the best thing, before either of us gets any further into a relationship that I am going to ruin, but for the first time ever I want to have (& be) a friend, risk getting hurt, having disagreements etc, because Wendy seems worth it.

Sometimes we put up walls, not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

I hate my life!!! Just spoke to Wendy, basically she said I just need to 'take charge' of myself & don't bother if people like me or not, because in her words "At the end of the day, friends will come & go, what really matters is your family & yourself." so basically her friends don't mean very much to her, I find that hard to accept or adopt as a way of thinking. She said she would be there for me to talk to, but how can I talk to her about anything, when she cannot 'handle' what I have to say. She finds me so hard to communicate with (as I said yesterday) which makes me feel like I have to be false around her. Then she also said, she finds it hard to understand why I find it hard to open up to her when she has told me 'intimate' things about herself. I love Wendy to pieces, I told her that tonight, but I don't know if that's enough to be friends with her or not. I'm so confused, if I don't have Wendy I have no-one & that makes me wanna try so hard to 'keep' her but she hurts me so much with some of the things she says to me.

I will love you...if your perfect!! I want to be beautiful, slim & perfect!!

I went out for 'the' meal last night, it was so awful!! I didn't really want to eat anything, so kinda just shoved the spaghetti around my plate. I hardly spoke because the first topic was about wedding anniversaries (what could I contribute that that conversation?) then it was about about babies, in particular giving birth (again what could I contribute to that conversation??)I got very jealous of Wendy getting on so well with everyone else, it was like she was MY friend & I am so scared of her liking someone else in the Church more than me - crazy huh?? Wendy phoned me last night to ask if I was Ok, I said I was - but I was so upset by everything. Then today she spoke to me at Church & said she found it so hard to engage me when I was face-2-face with her & that it sometimes feels that I am ashamed or embarrassed to be associated with her, which isn't true at all - if Wendy really knew how much I 'loved' her & thought of her she wouldn't think that. But all my friends before now have given up with me constantly pushing them away & it scares me abit that Wendy has stuck around.

Been visiting my great-Aunt in hospital, my cousin was up from Dorset to see her, I've not seen her for years, she is stunning, confident & just everything I am not & that upset me, so I suppose I was kind of upset before I even got to the resturant last night & it wasn't really anyone's fault I was feeling so ugly, stupid & gross.

I have started to organize my birthday party, even though its not until June, but once I get an idea into my head that's it!! I'm having a BBQ in my back garden with burgers, bangers & booze!!

I am updating very much these days. I don't seem to have the same motivation to sit & think about what I want to say. Last week I was feeling pretty shitty physically, I have a sore headache almost everyday of last week & was being sick almost every morning too, luckily it seems to have cleared now - which is just as well because I was in no mood for making a Dr's appt.

This week I've been feeling shitty emotionally, I have been trying so hard not to cut & I'm succeeding so far, although I think self discharging myself from all of my therapists wasn't the cleverest of ideas, but I really don't think they were helping, I would be on the waiting list for months, see someone & then get told there would be 'no further MH input' so I figure I may as well go it alone. I've spoken to Wendy about me not SI'ing & she was like 'Yeah thats fab, for every week you don't SI I will buy you something.' which I do understand was her trying to be helpful (albeit it abit patronizingly!!) but I am not going to have her buy me anything, I'm not doing this for her, I'm doing it for me & I don't need the pressure of having to 'live up' to her expectations of me, anyway she has been really nice & she keeps on calling me 'darling' which feels abit weird, but so lovely at the same time. I am supposed to be going out for dinner on Saturday night with 7 others (including Wendy) but I don't think I can do it, I have tried reasoning with myself, but the thought of sitting with 7 others around a table freaks me out.

Lexie, your pictures are lovely - you really are such a stunning girlie!!

First of all & before I forget BREAK A LEG ENDRAIA!! I am sure Pendragon will go just fine for U.

Now down to business... Saw Neil on Tuesday, which is such a waste of time, I really am not 'gelling' with him @ all, I don't feel I can be really honest with him, I did try on Tuesday, but it fell flat on it's face!! I feel like I am to 'damaged' for him to help me & that I am too much of a complicated 'case' for him to handle, also being a man really isn't helping either I don't think. Then I went to see Dr Cannavina, after a month I thought I had my feelings under control, but no as soon as I see her I fall 'in love' all over again, she was telling me about her Christmas & about how she had all the family up from Kent, she treats me like a 'proper' person & it makes me confused & muddled because I don't know if she is just feeling sorry for 'billy no-mates Mhairi' or if she genuinely does like me, I find it very hard to distinguish it all.
Was speaking to Wendy online tonight & @ the end of the conversation she said 'Sympathy will get U nowhere' I replied 'I don't want sympathy from you, I never have from anyone' now am really confused about what she meant, does she think I want sympathy from her, because I don't I don't want anything from her. Fuck I hate my mind sometimes it really screws things up. I really want to be friends with Wendy, but I think I am just going to muck things up too much for that to happen.
I have got Louise (loopylou) keeping her fingers crossed for me tomorrow, because I want this cast off, but I doubt really if that will happen. Anyway I should really go & have my tea.
Take care.